Back in 2017, I created a computer program that wrote jokes. This was years before ChatGPT and Large Language Models became mainstream. I only said “AI” when I burned myself on the stove. (“Ay-yi-yi, that’s hot!”)
Back then, my son was in Boy Scouts and had a subscription to Boy’s Life Magazine. Each issue, we would skip the boring articles about nature, outdoor skills and inspirational stories to get to the good stuff: The Jokes Page. Here’s a sample:
What do you get when you mix a pig and a dinosaur?
Jurassic Pork
Month after month, I noticed most jokes followed a pattern. Two disparate concepts combined with a pun in the punchline. When I look at patterns too long, I think “I can write a computer program to do it.” (That’s why I avoid looking at wallpaper.)
So I dug up some word lists, stitched them together, bolted on some logic and raised a big lightning rod into a thunderstorm. Lightning struck and the program spit out:
What do you get when you cross the first sequel to Star Wars and a large long-haired wild ox of Tibet often domesticated?
The Empire Strikes Yak
It’s ALIVE! (It also vomited hundreds of jokes that made no sense at all.)
The program used a list of idioms (i.e. sayings and phrases), a dictionary and a rhyming dictionary that breaks words into their syllable sounds. The logic was:
Randomly swap one word of an idiom with a random rhyming or sound-alike word. This is the punchline.
Construct the riddle with “What do you get when you cross a” + the definition of the idiom + “and a” + definition of the rhyming word.
And that’s how it made this gem (that kinda predicted the political climate in 2025):
What do you get when you cross a saying that all leaders will become bad with unchecked authority and a thick soup or stew made with milk and bacon and onions and potatoes?
Chowder corrupts; absolute chowder corrupts absolutely
I admit the riddle is a little verbose. I like to imagine HAL-9000, the homicidal computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey, reading it aloud in its emotionless voice. (HAL always killed.)
The joke program requires a human being to do some light curation. The human was me and the “light curation” was finding one okay-ish joke every 200 or so. But it’s all worth it to hear the hearty laughs from this one:
What do you get when you cross a Shakespeare line about the time of unhappiness is past and a club or party at which people dance to pop music?
Now is the winter of our discotheque
My joke program had a minor brush with fame in 2018. The podcast, Dr. Gameshow with Jo Firestone, has comedians play several silly listener-submitted games each episode. If the players like the game, they vote for it to be played again the following show.
I submitted a bunch of jokes as a game called “Guess the Computer’s Punchline.” The players listen to the riddle and try to figure out what the answer is. Surprisingly, they we able to guess the punchline of this one:
What do you get when you cross blood clots in one of the body's large veins, most commonly in the lower limbs and a vehicle suitable for traveling over rough terrain?
Jeep Vein Thrombosis
They enjoyed the game so much they voted for it to be played the next episode. During that episode, a listener in the live chat wrote this derisive comment: “Ugh. What is this? NPR?” As insults go, I wasn’t too offended by that.
Alas, my joke writing program has been left in the dust by AI. Not only can chat-bots make jokes that are just as bad, they will also pretend to think you’re funny.
That was a nice ego boost from an automaton designed to eliminate humans. I showed this chat to my wife and she asked me, “Are you lonely?” My daughter said, “Wow, it’s just like that movie, Her. Don’t fall in love.”
Sadly, like Frankenstein’s Monster, my joke writing program makes a lot of groans and inspires angry mobs. It is best left chained up in the lab. But before we go, let’s savor a few more computer quips.
What do you get when you cross an advertising slogan for M&Ms and red, swollen marks left on flesh by a blow or pressure?
Welts in your mouth, not in your hands
What do you get when you cross an engineering university in Cambridge and a pair of pants and a matching jacket worn by women?
Massachusetts Pantsuit of Technology
What do you get when you cross someone who does not settle in one place rarely prospers and long-tailed brilliantly colored parrot of Central America and South America?
A rolling stone gathers no macaws
What do you get when you cross a task done for pleasure and in a general sense, from, or out from?
A labor of of
That’s my time, ladies and gentlemen. Good night! Drive safe.