Microwaving Cadbury Mini Eggs
And the dangers of click-baity headlines
We’ve all heard the phase: “This meeting could have been an email.” A similar sentiment is present in an idiom I am now coining: “This Google News headline could have included one extra word that answers the click-baity question, eliminating the need to read the article at all.”
It’s a little wordy, but I think the adage is very relevant to our time. It has a real shot of becoming a proverb or an axiom. (Where do we submit new sayings for consideration? Maxim Magazine?)
My inspiration came from a Google News headline like this: “You’re eating Cadbury Mini Eggs wrong because you are ignorant of this incredible method that makes them taste so much better that it will ROCK YOUR WORLD.” I consider myself to be very proficient at eating junk food, so this was rage-bait.
I clicked the headline. Then closed a pop-up ad. Then read “Cadbury Mini Eggs were invented in 1967…” Then scrolled down more. Then minimized a full screen video ad. Scrolled some more. Read “The Oxford English Dictionary defines Easter as…” Then scrolled past a bunch of X reaction posts, all the way to the bottom where it said, “Microwave them. They good warm.”
Clearly I was missing out on a mind-blowing, world-rocking experience. I bought a bag of Mini Eggs and popped open the microwave. But I didn’t see how long I’m supposed to zap them because my browser crashed. So let’s experiment.
Zero seconds (i.e. Room Temperature)
The candy shell gives a satisfying crunch as you bite through into the dense solid chocolate. It takes several chews to break up the candy and chocolate chunks until its all mixed up and melty in your mouth. Pretty good as is.
Five Seconds
No difference at all. The plate was warmer than the egg.
Ten Seconds
The candy shell gets a crack. The chocolate directly under the shell is warm and soft but most of the chocolate is unchanged. The eating experience is barely any different.
Fifteen seconds, Twenty seconds, Twenty-five Seconds
Not much difference between these ones. The chocolate under the candy layer gets a little bit warmer and softer each iteration.
30 seconds
At this point, I was a little scared of burning my mouth but it felt okay to my fingers. Biting into it revealed that about half the chocolate is liquidy, with a still-solid center. The candy shell shatters into sharp shards I feel poking my gums and roof. Not pleasant.
1 minute
Now all the chocolate has melted. I bite the candy shell and it explodes. It splatters liquid chocolate and candy shrapnel everywhere, coating the interior of my mouth. No further chewing necessary, just drinking.
The eating experience has been getting progressively worse and my world is certainly un-rocked. But I persist.
1 minute 30 seconds
The egg barfed out half the chocolate which then sizzled on the plate. I pull what I can off the plate and eat it. I felt like a baby bird eating what mommy chewed up for me.
2 minutes
The microwave is filled with smoke. When the air clears, I see a brown lump of sludge. It doesn’t want to leave the plate so I give it a little lick. Notes of carbon and ash, with a hint of brimstone.
I guess I should stop, but let’s try one more test.
3 minutes
Verdict: My world was rocked all right! But the Mini Eggs didn’t taste any better so don’t do it. Happy Easter!
😂